And then he looked at her with a flat smile on his face. He reached out his hand asking her to hold it. He was reaching out to her, not begging for her to stay but begging for her to leave.
She refuse the offer.
"No," she shook her head. "I just... wanted to get my books back," she said. She was talking about the three books inside his bag. Three books that plays a big part of her life. Three books that made her who she is right now. She let him borrow it for him to read but not the books, she let him borrow it for him to read her. Now she wonders if he actually read it, if he actually understand.
"Oh, yeah. Of course," he said with a straight face. He opened his backpack as quickly as he can and took the three books out and gently gave it back to her. And in that very moment, she knew it wasn't just the books he's giving back to her - he was giving back her heart.
She took the books out of his hand and felt like all the rocks of the world, big and small, came crashing into her like a heavy storm in a desert. She was trembling. She felt like crying but then refuses to. She need to stay calm and act like everything was okay even if it's not.
"So..." he said. She can tell he's uncomfortable. She can't even look into her eyes.
But she was keenly watching him - every details of him. His round eyes and thick lashes that she loves to touch. His brown hair that she loves to play with. His discolored dark lips he got by smoking cigarettes for almost four years. His neck that she loves to kiss. That black shirt he's wearing with a picture of a man drinking a cup coffee - it was his favorite. And those hands that once held hers with full of love and life. He was hers, she was his. Was.
"So, this is where the awkwardness returns huh?" she said trying to hold herself up.
He stands still with both of his hands inside his pocket. He was still looking down. He is still not talking to her.
"Okay, then. I'll go now," she said putting the three books inside her shoulder bag and her heart back inside her rib cage. She looked at him again wishing this wont be the last time and then saw him bit his lower lip, it is his way of thinking and holding up words inside his head.
And then he just said, "Okay."
As she was about to walk away from the one man she's been in love with for exactly two years, six months and three days, she felt this adrenaline came rushing into her. She stopped herself from walking. She looked at him as he continue to avoid her gaze.
"Do you still remember that one thing I asked you on our first date?" she asked calmly but didn't expect any answers and so she continued, "I asked you to do me a favor. One favor. I asked you that if the time will come when you don't want me in your life anymore, you will tell me. No matter how hard it will be for the both of us - for the one who's leaving and for the one who will be left behind - we will be honest. Because at the end of the day, it is the same thing. One heart will feel guilt, one heart will be broken."
And for the first time in months, she caught him looking back at her - with sorry in his eyes.
"But unfortunately that time came way way back, like three months ago. But you never told me. You left me hanging. For a month I was talking to myself. You never answered my calls, you never text me back. You went away. And yes, I'm sad we didn't worked out as how we both thought we will but I am more disappointed with you breaking your promise. That you never actually did me that one favor I asked you. One day I woke up and you were gone. You went away and left me hanging in the middle of nowhere."
She's still holding her tears and can't believe that she was able to keep it this long.
"I'm sorry. I really am. I'm not just that ready to-" he said but before he explains everything, she cut him off. It was too late for explanations. It wouldn't make everything back to normal anyway.
"I was so busy falling in love with your heart I didn't even notice that in the process you're breaking mine. What a fool." she sarcastically said. She sighed.
"Let's make this a goodbye. I just hope and pray that one day, you'll find a girl that you will really love and she wont make it easy for you to hold her heart, not the way I let you hold mine. I hope she'll make it difficult for you to feel that she loves you, so you can feel how complicated you are for me to love."
"Good luck with your life now. I hope you'll do great. Goodbye, George."
And in that moment, she knew he was already gone.
